Tag Archives: Love

Slip-sliding along

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All the preparation in the world will do nothing to lessen the silent explosion that descends upon us the only way time knows how to travel. Defying lasers, cat gut and high end facial abrasion, gravity descends in subtle waves and full-on attack, claiming new territory by the minute.

I began mental preparation when I was 59; a lot of good that did.  By 62, I was in a quiet state of panic.  By 65, denial had become impossible to sustain, even on good days.

I would like to say I made the transition from bud to fading blossom gracefully, but I cannot.  I never judge another woman’s choice for surgical intervention; it simply wasn’t for me.  I’m an old nurse; saving things is what I am trained to do.

Also I am a collector and admirer of junk and antiques, finding comfort in well-worn patinas boasting generous use.  I love chipped paint and rust, and admire the simplicity of unsophisticated lines and primitive art.

I patch, re-purpose and restore, but never refinish.

So treating myself differently than I would an old crate made no sense no matter how much time I spent standing in profile in front of the mirror pulling a cascading chin back to a more flattering pre-menopausal position.

I wrung my hands for years fearing the great evolution would morph my lovely pear into an awkward apple, feeling as if that day would strike like a bolt of lightning, or like a tragedy at sea, the captain of a sinking ship lost to sharks in uncharted sea.

But if anything, passage was silent and endearing as I fell in love with the soft, loose texture of my own skin, and the pinkness of my scalp shining like new planet in an unexplored galaxy of snowy hair. And I was oddly amused by the sound of my voice, the way it creaked like sore knees around words spoken more slowly and with less certainty than before.

Like a memory of the chair I rocked my babies in, I can see our history in my hands.  And I like that.  A lot.  So now I am between a walker and heels.  I never hold my stomach in.  Hate Spanx and the likes.  Wouldn’t wear one even if it was a gift.

In my sewing studio I have a photo gallery of women who inspired me in life.  They have all passed away now, but I see them in my face every day, with my glasses on, of course.  And I want to be like them.  Graceful, full of joy and palpable peace,

a mischievous spark shining in my eyes as I creep toward 70.

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Dreams, part 3

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Dream interpretation suggestion #1

What we can learn from our dreams is highly subjective and uniquely personal; that’s why standard dream symbol books sometimes fail us.  Also, those who interpret dreams professionally don’t belong to a single philosophy; their approaches and perceptions vary.   I’m not a professional; I was led to pursue knowledge surrounding the subject as a matter of consequence.  The way I interpret dreams is strictly intuitive, approaching them from a spiritual viewpoint because I believe they are intended to support our life journeys, and prepare us for returning home after death.

feather for dreamwalker

The journey is what you chose to make of it, or not.  Opportunities to grow never cease to present themselves; whether or not we chose to recognize or follow their lead is our choice.

To interpret your dreams you’ll need a notebook and pencil /pen to keep bed-side for recording dreams you remember.  Please write them down as quickly as possible because they can begin fading from conscious memory almost from the beginning.

Even though a dream interpretation book will not accurately explain each specific symbol in your dreams, it’s good to have one to use as a guideline, (I’ll delve a little deeper into this subject later), but the book I use is The Dream Book, Symbols for Self-Understanding by Betty Bethards.  I’ve read hundreds of dream interpretation books; this one works best for me.  Unfortunately the author passed away several years ago so I’m not sure how easy it is to get a new copy of her book, but I’ve found them online from time to time, and often in used book stores.

The first step should be done before retiring for the night: you must spiritually clear the space around your bed and your body of heavy, unwanted, or negative energy.  Personally, I smudge¹ using sage as I speak out loud saying something like : Only love and light in this space, only equal or higher frequency energy than my own allowed here.  I banish anything less from within the safe zone I have created.

After you have cleansed the area of negative energy using a ritual or format you are comfortable with, it’s time for the second step.  In order for anything to really work, we must set an intention.    Speaking out loud, repeat, for example, “It is my intention to deepen my understanding of the dreams I dream, and to enhance my connection with them, learning how to implement their wisdom into my waking life.”    Or perhaps, “It is my intention to live more consciously by understanding my dreams and incorporating their intuitive messages into the realities of my waking life.”

Say whatever feels right to you.

Don’t be discouraged if it takes a while for your subconscious mind to work with you, eventually you should be able to remember your dreams, or parts of them; and the parts you recall may be the most significant messages of all.

Keeping a Dream Notebook will reveal dreaming patterns that may be present.   I always see dreams as positive energy, even when, clearly, they address unpleasant aspects of life.  Even when they come in the form of nightmares dreams deliver powerful messages that clarify current and/or past challenges, or explain hidden truths lurking within more mundane aspects of waking life.

Dreams are tools, crutches and magnifying glasses readily available to each of us, intended to ease our travel through life.  Dreams serve as conduit to deeper depths of ourselves, and sometimes bridges to the other side.  Most of all, dreams are knowledge our subconscious minds offer to busy, distracted consciousness in efforts to provide balance, strength and wisdom.

Dream-Wisdom stone feather balance

Our dreams are filled with symbols meant to awaken innate knowledge.  The colors and numbers we see in our dreams are important, carrying their own meanings.  Throughout history dream symbol meanings have generally been assigned by sages and philosophers.  Amazingly these definitions are similar or exactly the same in unrelated cultures.  But sometimes the accepted meanings of dream symbols differ from what the dreamer feels in his soul.  Remember, dreams relate to us individually and sometimes use symbolic language only we can hear.  So if a commonly defined dream symbol doesn’t resonate, follow your own interpretation reminding yourself the dream reflects your  instinctive inner voice, so who best to understand than you?

 

1 smudge:   “…a traditional Native American method of burning sacred herbs to produce a smoke cloud which is used in various cleansing or prayer ceremonies and purification or healing rituals…” www.mwarpaths2peachpipes.com

 

aunt bea thoughtful

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Why dreaming is important, part 1

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hazy moon through leaves

Our hearts beat; our lungs expand and contract, our stomachs process foods we eat. Our eyes blink, lubricate and react to emotion, darkness and light. Our kidneys and colons process and eliminate wastes. The body is genetically programmed to operate in ways that ensure balance. Dreaming is an essential element in that process; it is an unavoidable way for the subconscious mind to get our attention when attention is needed. Dreams link subconscious proficiency to conscious experience.
When body systems fail to function properly, we get sick. If the brain sends scrambled messages to an organ, it will malfunction. If we are born with poorly developed or damaged components, we exhibit various levels of inability to function at optimal levels. When we ignore our dreams we are ignoring messages our bodies have deliberately sent to educate, alert and synchronize our physical bodies with the rhythms and currents of the external world in which we live.
Dream messages are crucial.

dream path in clouds

None of us is simply a body or a brain; we are multilayered, multidimensional human beings with subtle and overt energies. For the most part, medicine divides man into two categories: physical and mental. The church goes further by acknowledging the mind, body and soul.
Being a registered nurse I have faced both the positive and negative sides of medicine and its community; but because I am a deeply spiritual woman I have learned to look pass staples of science and religion, finding my own way to incorporate personal beliefs into the gear and pulley system of my everyday life.
When I was 23 I survived a catastrophic automobile accident, but not before experiencing clinical death. I’m not sure if it was the search for answers to the journey I took during the time doctors worked to save me that awakened innate senses and instincts that had, perhaps, been locked inside my practical life or if in deed, near death itself gifted the new awareness that was pivotal. None-the-less, my focus shifted dramatically sending my mind down rabbit holes I had never even noticed before, let alone explored.

dream shadow

In my search for personal truth, I have discovered the depths of the two aspects of all living things, the external world and a very powerful internal realm. When I learned to trust and heed knowledge I gained from internal energies, I was able to directly impact the external realities in which I live. Without that balance, I often felt I had little or no control over events in my life, when actually I had merely failed to recognize and employ inner strength in response to them.

weird dream symbol

Paying attention to and understanding your dreams is an aspect of deeply knowing yourself. We all have the ability to recognize dream symbols and the quirky tales they weave as we sleep, but most of us have forgotten how to access or interpret that knowledge. We live in a world of instant-ness; everything is set in fast-forward. Reconnecting or awakening inner terrain is always a process, it is the elevation and evolution of thought and always takes time and patience.
Cultural trends have dulled our sense of inter-connected-ness with others. But its effect has wounded us on even deeper levels. While it is true there is deep satisfaction in having a rich spiritual life, it is a fundamentally necessity to develop and utilize internal wisdom. Learning how to interpret our dreams is a way of doing that. In my next few posts I will share with you a bit of my inner journey, and suggest a few ways you can use your dreams to navigate life.

happy faceauntbeamephoto

uncomfortable truth…

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I tend to wear hope out from overuse.  At some point you have to back away from the tiny picture in front of your eyes to understand everything isn’t always visible from where you’re standing

tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy never existed; someone just loved you enough to keep your innocence alive as long as possible.  I’ve heard people compare the elderly to children; maybe that’s where my inexplicable reliance on hope comes from.  Sometimes I forget some things are just meant to be, no matter how distasteful.

For me, everything turns into rainbow soup.

When I wake up in Never-land, I enjoy myself because I’m not really thinking about the absurdity of it all.  I go with it so I don’t mess it up.  But some days, for no obvious reason, I wake up on the other side of the party, and everything turns from balloons and confetti to something less joyous.

90% of the time I can figure out why.  It happened this morning.  I had a bad dream, one of those about people you love, and the difficulties they experience. For half of the day gloom persisted, so I knew there was more to it than a dream.  So I let myself go down the dark rabbit hole and found the problem.

inner child 3

I’m honest with myself, and I know enough to respect the fact that deep down inside I’m still a child afraid no one will love me.  When I make promises, I keep them; but not everyone does.  The little girl in my heart forgets that from time to time, and when something happens that keeps her from believing in the tooth fairy, she gets sad until she connects enough dots to be okay with letting the issue go.

Someone broke a promise to me.  Not once, but four times.  It’s time to let it all go.  It’s time to move on.  It’s time to quit making excuses.

Being honest with myself always makes a huge difference.  It lifts the burden.  I’m not responsible for others, only for myself.  And I am woman of my word.  I have to be because the child inside is counting on me; and I would do most anything to keep innocence alive in this harsh world.  And I love myself enough to try.

aunt bea thoughtful

auntbeamephoto

the truth about leaves

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I think it’s pretty arrogant of people to think they’re superior to other living things.  We’re all part of nature after all.  Maybe it’s just ego , but maybe it’s something more basic and widespread like social and religious indoctrination/orientation that bloat our sense of standing on planet earth.

Personally I trust dogs more than I do most people these days.

I’m not particularly fond of squirrels but if I see one lying dead in the street, my stomach still drops to my feet, and I feel an emotion akin to lose for the rest of the day.  Make that a dog or cat, and I retch.

So this morning I’m drinking coffee in my favorite rocker on the front porch watching trees sway in a rather brisk breeze, and my brain starts doing its thing.  All of the sudden, I remember having had a light-bulb moment about twenty years ago when I had a moment of absolute awareness concerning leaves.  That’s right, leaves.   I usually keep a running dialogue inside my head with my spirit guide, so I asked DreamWalker if there was any significance to the presence or sequencing of leaves growing on trees or bushes or plants in general.

leaves 1

It’s not like I can hear any voices or anything, it’s just suddenly I become aware of something or another; and in this case, it was an answer to my question about leaves.

So, leaves are the emotional expression in the plant world, it seems.  In spring everything is still a little bit hungover from winter’s sleep but starting to get worked up.  By mid-summer, everyone is singing.  Fall brings a blush of warm emotion as plants remember carefree days of warmer weather while preparing for a long well-deserved sleep.  (Hey, you bake in the sun for a couple of months and tell me how you feel.)  Winter is pretty obvious; it’s about resting and restoration.

So this morning I took it a step further by comparing myself to the trees I was watching.  And within a few minutes I could see another similarity, this time concerning the seasons of trees.  Spring is to a tree what childhood is a person; it’s that amazing time of life when everything is beginning.  Bud by bud, we begin to expand the perimeters of our world.  Sometimes we find bees or spiders, scary, but that’s only a tiny bit of what turns out to most often be flowers.

leaves 2

Summer is late adolescence through the latter part of mid-adulthood.  By then life has proliferated beyond our wildest imagination and we are bursting with emotions, positive or negative.  By fall, later life, we’ve grown quite reflective. This is definitely a time of beauty and preparation.  By winter, we need more rest so we spend time watching sunrises and sunsets, being thankful or remorseful, depending, and waiting for whatever comes next.

bare tree

Ahhh, it was a good cup of coffee.  And so enlightening.

sweet innocence

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After some pretty significant health problems the past few years, I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to find a good balance between what I want to do and what I can.  I’m more Fall Chicken than Spring Chicken as an aging Baby Boomer, but my bucket list is still pretty long.  And while I won’t see the Aurora Borealis in person, there are many other goals I’ve made throughout life then set aside for whatever reason seemed pertinent at the time.

There are promises I’ve made myself and then dismissed as too grandiose.  Even worse, from time to time I find I’ve limited myself using the excuses that some of the dreams I dream are selfish or silly.  Just thinking that makes me nauseous because I’m not one who buys into the Selfish Guilt Trip Philosophy society sometimes uses to restrain us from reaching for the stars, rather than keeping our noses to the grindstone, asking no questions.  Also to say a goal is silly is to diminish personal potential and only shows I have more work to do in regards to self-esteem.

dandelion 1

Maybe no one out there knows I’m a somewhat of philosophical rebel; if not, that’s because I haven’t spoken up.  What I have done is share one aspect of my life, keeping the rest under wraps because it’s easier that way.  That’s a back track on my behalf.  In 2000, I quit approaching life from a non-adversarial vantage point, deciding direct attack was a more effective choice.

It was during that particular revolt I changed my perception of the word selfish, exchanging the word with the more gentle term: self-is.

Things got a lot easier for me after shifting that perspective.  By ditching an overused word and altering its definition, I removed the negative implication.  Although a rather simple concept, it was necessary for me to overcome my overwhelming tendency to make choices dependent on pleasing others, rather than considering my own needs and wishes.

Like any habit, practice is involved.

I recently received notice from WordPress it’s time to decide whether or not I want to renew this account.  I’ve given the question a lot of thought and decided, Yes, I do want to continue Aunt Bea Me, but I want to come at it from a different point of view.

It’s almost as drastic as Betty Crocker saying she’s decided to produce shoes.

I have another WordPress site, ittymac, it presents a different side of me; but without realizing it, I seem to have been sharing a tamer side of myself there too.  I think I slipped into such a good place after marrying Richard and experiencing unconditional love, I got a little lazy.

No one likes conflict.  Well, maybe some people do, but I’m not one of them. And as I mentioned before, I waver a bit when it comes to issues of self-esteem.  Even so, I’m stepping out of line and drawing a bit of attention to myself.  I’m not trying to save anyone.  I’m not trying to steal the spotlight either; I’m not trying to do anything.  I’m just opening my mouth and letting all the stuff inside come out.

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Home

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It’s so easy to get lost.  You don’t have to be running errands or traveling for it to happen.  Actually, you don’t even have to “know” for certain you really “are” lost to “be” lost.  Mostly it’s a suspicion you have that something’s not quite the way it’s supposed to be, that things, or you, seem sort of unsettled.

lost sign images

Being lost is different from being confused.  You know that feeling you get when you walk into a room, or open a drawer and can’t remember ‘why’ you did it?  Well, being lost isn’t like that.  It’s more subtle, not as obvious.

Sometimes being lost is so imperceptible you don’t even know that you are.

Being lost is a sentence without a period.  It’s morning without coffee.  It’s incomplete.  Rationalization is an excuse we use not to have to look at something too closely for fear looking means you’ll end up having to deal with unpleasant things.  Often we rationalize the sense of being lost with explanations like “I didn’t sleep well last night”, or “anyone would feel like this if they lived here”,  or “I’m just stressed out like everyone else is.”

Trying to figure out why we feel the way we do isn’t easy. Sometimes looking past the surface requires full-on-excavation.  Reaching the bottom of anything can mean a lot of work. But what if it didn’t?  What if we could resolve most of our feelings and fears without making ourselves miserable during the process?

All anyone has to do is to be a little observant to see the world is pretty much in chaos on one level or another.  And all we have to do is practice a little empathy to understand the grief and misery of others.  Unfortunately, we can’t heal the wounds of the world easily, nor can any of us do it alone.  But maybe we can change the way we respond when bad things happen.

Like charity, most everything begins at home, inside of us.  Our hearts and souls and minds are the most powerful tools we have at our disposal.  Our egos and inflated, self-important opinions are garbage, just more junk in an already overwhelming pile of useless stuff.

When we focus too much on the details of all the “bad” things we can’t change, or we compulsively “react” to them with anger or profound sadness, we throw away our power and common sense.  That’s never good.

lost in woods.download

I got lost for a while.  It took time to figure out that was what was going on.  When I finally “got” it, I was too tired to dig for solutions.  I’m old.  I savor my energy for things that hold purpose in my heart, for things that make me smile on the inside.  Going through another inner journey was too much to undertake.

I had to be smarter this time; I had to be careful with my time, I had to respect the realities of my health and abide by stamina restraints while still looking for a way back to the innermost sanctuary of my heart.

Every day I worked to maintain emotional strength and positive energy, especially when I heard bad news.  Every day I asked God to help me find an “opening” in the resistance that disguised the entrance to the way “home”.

I practiced patience, which isn’t my strong point.

I waited.

I asked again and again.

I waited some more.

I was observant, watching everything around me, listening to everything everyone said, and even those things intentionally or unintentionally left unsaid.

I watched for signs, striving to connect what happened day-to-day with a bigger, more comprehensive, more compassionate vision.

The first reward I received was an amazing sort of peace that settled on me as I worked making a Christmas gift for my sister.

That sensation proceeded other incredible instances of grace on ensuing days.

On Christmas Eve, riding in a car, on the way to visit family, suddenly I felt as if a cloud moved from the inside of my head passing into the landscape outside. Although foggy and gray, the sky unexpectedly shone with phenomenal clarity; and without warning, I understood that through some sort of inexplicable mercy, I had found my way back home.

I was at peace on a level that had been missing for far too long.  Memories of battles I’d fought that seemed to have depleted me faded away and I felt strong and capable again.  I felt light and full of hope.  I was a helium balloon free-floating through clear, fresh air.  I felt safe and sure of my place in the world.  I felt needed and valued.  I was in love with life again.

Maybe someday I’ll lose my way again, I hope not; but if I do, I won’t pretend nothing is wrong.  I won’t waste precious time again.  How I see the world and what I hold in my heart is up to me.  And then, of course, there is grace.  And God.

sweet innocence